I Always Knew
by Cinomarsh
Summary: Mrs. Lovett talks about her time with Sweenet Todd.


**Here's another one-shot for you! Hope you enjoy! Don't own ST, obviously.**

I was never optimistic. I never truly believed that my life would somehow magically become better. Facts were facts. My husband was dead and my business was failing. If anyone ever thought me to be an optimist, it was only because I was always determined to make the best of any situation I found myself in. I knew I was hopeless, but I had come to terms with that and still managed to enjoy being alive.

I knew the second Benjamin Barker walked back through my door that he would alter the course of my entire life, and I was almost excited. I had always loved Benjamin, even after marrying Albert, but now, with Albert gone, maybe I finally had a chance with him. Still, I never told myself lies that he would return and instantly fall in love with me. I only allowed myself hope.

But then he started asking about his wife. Lucy. I'd always disliked her. I never thought she deserved Ben. She had no mind of her own, foolish and easily persuaded. A simple thing, really. But Benjamin had always adored her, and when he asked about her, I knew I couldn't tell him that she lived. I couldn't let him run off to save her, leaving me alone to continue my pointless existence. I needed Benjamin Barker, or rather, Sweeney Todd.

So, yes, I lied to him. I told him his Lucy had killed herself. I figured he'd never recognize her, an old beggar selling herself to men on the streets. But the moment he looked at me, told me Benjamin Barker was dead, I somehow knew he'd find out. Not soon, but someday. And I knew I'd pay for it.

Still, I gave him back his old straight razors, hidden under a dusty floorboard upstairs. Seeing him with them was like watching someone fall asleep; his movements were slow and his voice was soft as he whispered to them. I knew that prison and pain had changed this man. He was no longer the man I knew, but the man who was willing to do anything to get revenge.

I knew my world was changing, but my outlook remained the same: cynical, but also just vaguely hopeful. Maybe my life would change for the better. I didn't know. All I knew was that it was possible.

The strangest day of my life was the day that Signor Pirelli brought Toby to my shop. Toby, I could tell, had seen a lot in his lifetime, but he still had a child's optimism and innocence. He brought out something in me I hadn't seen in a long time. I loved him immediately. I cared about him in a way I hadn't cared about anyone for years. I cared for Mr. Todd, sure, but that was different. This boy was gentle, happy. I wanted to protect him, to care for him. I wanted to prove to myself that there was still beauty in the world.

But then I went upstairs, where I found the true natures of both the barber and myself. This man was willing to kill another human being. I was shocked at first, but after a minute or two I realized that it didn't truly surprise me. What it did do, however, was solidify my feeling that someday, he'd make me pay for the lie I'd told him. But I also learned something about myself: that I had less morals than I'd hoped. I'd always wanted to believe myself to be a good person, but after taking money from a dead man's pocket and having an entirely calm conversation with his murderer, I didn't think I could anymore. I wouldn't let him hurt Toby, though. If I wasn't going to be good, I wanted to keep something else good alive instead.

That was also the day that Sweeney lost the judge. He threatened me. He held a razor to my throat and I believed with all certainty that he'd kill me. I closed my eyes and waited for the sharp pain and the spurt of blood, but it never came. I'd come so close to dying at his hand... It was then that Sweeney Todd decided that lives were his to take, and I decided that I didn't care.

I love him. I truly did. And that was definitely a part of why I helped him. But a failing business can also push people to take desperate measures. Put those two things together and you've got meat pies made from human meat. When I proposed the idea, he smiled at me and danced with me and laughed with me, and despite everything else, morals and ethics and what have you, I was happy. Everything was going right.

The days after that were wonderful. I had Toby, who loved me like a mother, a thriving business, and a man upstairs that I loved more than life.

I knew he didn't love me back. I knew he didn't love at all. But one day, I told him everything I dreamed of. I told him about a little house by the sea, and I knew he heard me. And I knew he didn't care.

It was a silly dream. I knew it would never come true. I still had to pay.

In no time at all, it was my last night. Everything seemed to happen very quickly.

Toby came to me and told me he wanted to protect me from Mr. Todd. He suspected him of something awful. I couldn't let him go to the law, and so, in a panic, I locked him in the bakehouse. I knew then that I had broken the only beautiful thing I'd ever loved, and I knew that Toby would find out our secret and hate me. I also knew that when Sweeney found out, he would kill him. But Sweeney was all I had left now. There was nothing to be done.

Sweeney and I went down to look for Toby after he killed the Beadle, but we couldn't find him. I was terrified, one half of me hoping he'd died somehow, the other hoping he'd safely escaped.

Sweeney killed the Judge. He got his revenge. Well, almost.

I went back to the bakehouse to deal with the bodies, but the Judge wasn't quite dead. The sight of his glassy eyes looking at me, his bloodstained body moving, was enough to make me scream.

Then I saw _her_.

I had to get her into the oven. I couldn't let him find out, not like this. Despite knowing, deep down, that it was no use, I still frantically tried to haul her body into the flames and save my own life.

No such luck.

Sweeney came downstairs, summoned by my scream. In an attempt to help me, her ordered me to open the oven door.

The worst part of my last night was not dying, but seeing the betrayal in Sweeney's eyes as he looked from his wife to me. Then his expression hardened, then twisted into a smile as he pulled me into a terrifying waltz.

I knew the things he told me were all lies. I knew his grip on me was just a little too tight, his smile just a little too wide. But I melted into him anyway, letting myself believe him, pretending I didn't know what would happen to me.

As we danced closer to the oven, I realized that I would not become another victim of his precious razors. I was slightly disappointed. I had always hoped that that would be how he killed me. I wanted to see his face as I died.

But he threw me into the oven instead, my flesh searing and my own involuntary screams filling my ears. He shut the door.

The last thing I saw, however, were his eyes peering through the tiny window in the door.

That was good enough for me.


End file.
